My First Vlog

Today I put a video up on Youtube which is essentially the first vlog I've ever done. It's kind of crap because I shot it with the shitty webcam that came with my laptop and used the stupid frame effects that come with the webcam. I don't have anything like a studio or proper lighting and a blank-enough wall to help make it look pretty with green-screening, nor do I have any good video editing software to spruce it up a little bit. All I had to give it some personality were my cheap facepaints and an exotic wig. Oh, maybe I had one more thing...

My actual personality.

That's nothing to talk about, though. I haven't been in front of a camera blurting out my opinions about things for years because as I got older and started to realise that pople judge you horribly and with great prejudice for your race, language and gender I stopped telling people my opinions and started being super shy instead.

[Image from Here]

So this vlog is basically me, giving my short opinion about something that people probably don't want to listen to and that sits within an admitedly narrow field of knowledge wherein only cosemtic shops that are within the metropolitan limits of my residence are included. The opinion might have been different if I'd had much exposure to cosmetic shops in other areas, such as places were non-white people usually live, but I don't move around the city enough for that. I need to start visiting all of these family friends who allegedly live in further out places (and by "allegedly" I mean that they actually probably do live there but I've never personally experienced their abodes.)

Anyway, the point that I was originally getting to is: I'm a super awkward turtle when it comes to expressing my opinion. And I feel terrible about it because not having the confidence to say things that I think are important due to other people wanting to put me down has started to rule me. I hadn't actually thought very much about how these things affect me until I got severely depressed in the past five months.

I've gotten too shy to do anything that I think is important. I'm too shy to drop in on people, even my friends. I'm too shy to talk back to people. I'm even too shy to even tell people what I really think about something for fear of their backlash. The shyness makes me feel so weak and lately I've started to feel like I couldn't ever be strong. That' why I'm starting to blog and vlog now. This is like my way of finally showing the world my true face. The simple act of uploading this video made me feel just a little more confident about myself and one day I hope I'll be able to sync my inner self to my outer self.

See this? This is my sassy inner self catwalking out into the world like a BAMF.
[Image from tumblr]